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SpankSpike [userpic]
Longing
by SpankSpike (spankspike)
at August 24th, 2008 (03:11 am)
guilty

current mood: guilty

Hi, honey! *waves*

I apologize for missing your actual birthday. I wrote this about a month ago, and then I've been away and didn't post it on time. I hope you can forgive me and that you'll still enjoy it anyway. And I hope your birthday was fantastic!

Also, I'm sorry if this doesn't do it for you. I sat down to write one thing and something entirely different came out.

TITLE: Longing
AUTHOR: SpankSpike
PAIRING: Angel/Nina, Angel/Lindsey implied
RATING: NC-17
SUMMARY: Angel finds himself longing for what he can't have.




LONGING


Breath coming in short bursts, un-needed and yet impossible to stop, Angel released the headboard and wrapped his arms around the smaller body that straddled his. He couldn’t have said if he was clutching so tightly to bury himself deeper inside the tight sheath surrounding the throbbing hardness it gripped or if he simply needed ... more. More contact, more smooth skin beneath his hands, more of the muscles fluttering around his cock. More of everything he wanted and couldn’t, wouldn’t... shouldn’t... allow himself.

His eyes were shut so tight that he could see stars bursting behind the darkened lids. Those flashbulb-like pops of light did nothing to dispel what he could see in his mind. The body above his, riding him, skin that should be sun-kissed but instead pale from too much time spent in the dark - hiding from a destiny that had been written by others. The dark tendrils of tattoos trailing over nearly every inch of flesh made Angel want to follow each twist and curl of ink with his fingertips, with his tongue... his fangs.

Angel settled instead for running his big hands over back and shoulders until he felt long silken strands of hair brushing his fingertips. Burying thick fingers in the soft mane, Angel’s hands curled involuntarily into fists, pulling harder than he meant to and not nearly as hard as he wanted. The blunt teeth at his throat bit down on Darla’s scar, centuries old, and it was nearly his undoing as his hips arched off the bed, lifting the slighter form along with them.

The body above his shifted positions, face moving from where it had been buried in Angel’s neck, back straightening as he was forced to relinquish his grip on the other’s hair. He let his hands fall, let them travel down neck, over collarbone, to settle on chest.

A sound made it’s way from his gut and escaped through his lips despite the fact that Angel tried to hold it back as his eyes snapped open. Recovering quickly, he moaned, perhaps too dramatically, in hopes of hiding the disappointment at the destruction of his own carefully crafted fantasy. He knew the moan rang false when the movement above him stuttered to a stop.

“Angel?” The voice was nearly whisper-soft and the insecurity of the question in it made his throat constrict with guilt.

Continuing to knead the soft mounds of flesh beneath his hands, tweaking nipples that were much larger than the ones he’d let his mind trick him into thinking he’d find there, Angel smiled softly up at Nina. He pulled one of his hands away, wetting his thumb with his tongue before reaching to stroke its moist tip over her clit. After a few firm circles over that nub, Angel felt her muscles start to tighten around his cock once more.

He kept touching her until she returned his smile, hands moving to brace herself on his chest as she resumed riding him. Angel waited another minute and moaned again, this time the sound was more genuine and Nina didn’t pause. The relief that her question could go unanswered and his secret could continue to go undetected was something that washed over his body in a cooling rush and he hoped she couldn’t feel how much he’d softened inside her.

The room just wasn’t dark enough.

“Do you mind putting those out?” He glanced toward the two candles flickering on his bedside table, the same ones he’d found burning there when he’d come from the shower earlier, discovering her naked and waiting in his bed though he’d told her he was too tired to see her tonight.

She looked at him, eyes clouding with insecurity again as she moved her hands from his chest to her own, covering herself with them.

Angel reached for her wrists, pulling them away as the knife of guilt twisted in his gut for doing this to her, with her, yet again. “No, Nina - you’re beautiful. So beautiful. I love looking at you. You know that.” He paused, searching for the right thing to say and seizing it from thin air. “It’s because they’re the scented ones. After a while they’re just too strong for me. My sense of smell makes me sensitive.”

“Oh,” she smiled and he could tell he’d gotten it right. “Sure.” She leaned over and blew both flames out and the darkness dropped over the bed like a warm blanket. “Next time I’ll get the unscented kind.”

He had to swallow down the words he wanted to say, I can’t, Nina. I can’t keep doing this to you. It’s not fair., and instead replace them with the ones he knew she wanted to hear. “Yeah... next time. The unscented kind - that’ll be nice.”

Before closing his eyelids on his own enhanced senses, Angel took Nina’s too small and too soft hands from his chest, putting them on the bed to either side of him instead. He moved his own hands up to grip the headboard once more.

Better to keep them there, easier to pretend that he was actually with... just easier to pretend that way.

Letting the memory slide back into place, Angel felt himself harden fully again as he imagined he was inside a tighter tunnel of flesh. It had only been the one time. He’d gone to Tibet to work through Buffy’s death and Lindsey had been there hiding from the searching eyes of Wolfram and Hart. Angel had never been sure what had brought them together the night before Lindsey had disappeared and he’d returned to L.A., but what he did know was that he’d realized that night that some things were too dangerous to want.

Lindsey was that type of danger.

Angel had enough trouble without inviting more. Knowing that he shouldn’t want Lindsey and actually putting a stop to that desire had turned out to be two different things entirely.

And if he were wondering when he would ever have paid enough, when fate would ever stop fucking with him, when he’d ever deserve to be happy, and perhaps most importantly if Lindsey was even still alive - well, Angel would never tell another soul about it.

The lips pressed to his now might not have been those he really wanted to feel, but he could remember Lindsey’s well enough as he tightened his hands on the headboard to keep them in place lest he destroy his fantasy yet again. As he cocooned himself in memory, Angel tried hard to keep niggling thoughts of all of those who would be disappointed to learn what he really wanted out of his head. He tried not to think of how much he was disappointing them every day anyway.

Most of all he tried not to think about Shan-shu, new beginnings, and all the other things he’d never deserve. Instead he kept his eyes closed and longed for Lindsey.

Comments

Posted by: ash_carpenter (ash_carpenter)
Posted at: August 24th, 2008 11:46 am (UTC)

Mmmmmmmmmm........Really enjoyed that. Hot and bitter and full of ache - and it rang really true as well. Bravo!

Posted by: SpankSpike (spankspike)
Posted at: August 24th, 2008 01:34 pm (UTC)

Thanks! *bows*

This wasn't meant to be this way at all. In fact I sat down to write some Angel/Lindsey for Sam and this was what came out. When I finished it I sat there looking at it thinking - Nina? Why the hell is Nina here? Where's Lindsey? I was so disappointed that I put it aside and planned to re-write it later. Then stupid rl came and sucked up all my time and I realized that like a huge loser, and the worst friend ever, I'd let her birthday come and go without getting the chance to re-work this or post anything at all. So I pulled it up last night and read it again and that's when I decided that even though Nina was in there it really wasn't about Nina at all.

Posted by: novascotiasam (novascotiasam)
Posted at: August 25th, 2008 03:22 am (UTC)
Angel

Thank you so much, hon. I'm as excited as ever to read your work! It's on the top of my bedtime reading pile. And I know your work. It will be layered, so no apologies needed for the addition of Nina!

*hugs you hard*

Posted by: SpankSpike (spankspike)
Posted at: August 26th, 2008 04:28 am (UTC)

Sorry again for being late. I hope you had a good birthday. I felt so stupid that I wrote this so far in advance and then STILL missed posting it in time. *sigh* I often fail at things like this though.

And I do hope you can enjoy it even thought Nina tapdanced her way into it. But one thing I can say for sure... it's sooooo not about poor Nina.

*hugs*

Posted by: novascotiasam (novascotiasam)
Posted at: August 26th, 2008 09:43 pm (UTC)
Sexy Beast

Very sensual ~ picturing Angel visualizing Lindsey. And I forgive you Nina's presence. Poor Girl.

Loved it. Saved it. No failure here.

*thank you ~ huge hugs*

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